A cautionary tale

Male college students, graduate and undergraduate alike, heed my advice. Do not shave during finals. Never shave during finals. Follow this rule: do not shave between the last class meeting before an exam or major assignment is due and the day that the the academic assessment is either due or to take place. Your knowledge is stored in your whiskers. If you are confused, simply rub your whiskers and the knowledge will begin to flow. It is a proven fact. If you do not follow this advice there will be consequences.

This year, for the first year since I began going to college, I shaved between a class meeting and a paper's due date. I had to do it. I had a meeting with the Wisconsin Secretary of Revenue. I could not go into that meeting with two-days stubble. That would have been rude. So I shaved. The following day (Saturday) I began to feel strange. When writing my paper, no words would come. It was like all of the knowledge had vanished from my being. Then, I began to feel ill. I had a headache, dizziness, fever, nausea. It was not pretty. On Sunday I accomplished nothing. The paper was due by 5 on Monday. Panic combined with the illness for some intense discomfort. On Monday, nothing was working. What I had written was horrible. I frantically tried to call and email my professor. Finally, one hour before the paper was due, he sent me an email with a 19 hour extension. I thanked him. The rest of the night I was in too much pain to work. The following day I woke up unable to sit down for more than a few minutes at a time. The pain and dizziness was intense. The professor added 5 hours to my extension. When it was over I had written the worst paper of my graduate school career. I was sick and disappointed. This is all true.

Had I not shaved, the whiskers would have protected me from illness and preserved my knowledge of exchange rate policy. But I did shave. I cavalierly eliminated all traces of understanding of the undervaluation of the Renmibi from my face. It was a mistake. I have to live with that, but the rest of you don't. Hear my message and heed my call. Do not shave during the crucial moments. It could just save your life.